I must begin by thanking God for putting me right where I need to be and for testing me and making me learn as I go, for that's what we all must do in life. I spent 5 months of my life making the wrong choice. Some times were good but for the most part, it was pure hell. I don't think I could describe it any other way. Not only did I change almost everything about myself for someone but I let them control me and manipulate me.... and my kids too. I've learned that no one is ever worth that, and if they cannot love you for who you are then to hell with them! You can't make somebody be something they're not. You also can't expect so much from them and be that hard on them ...making them bend til they break. I broke. I was sad, depressed, angry...I knew in the back of my mind that it was all wrong but somehow I was blinded. I was warned a thousand times, but my mind was made up and I kept on keeping on...I never gave up. I'm not a quitter but I had to eventually quit because I was dying inside. I saw none of my friends, not even my brother! No one wanted to be at my house unless it was just me and the kids there, and I couldn't let that happen or else I'd get accused of doing something bad. I was manipulated to the point that I was going to eventually turn against my family because all they were trying to do was help me get out of a bad situation...well, FYI....I will NEVER choose a man over MY DIDDY!
Now I have a few folks to thank for being true to me during all of that time...and I have apologies too...
To my beautiful innocent loving children...I am sorry for letting that man come in our home and take over and make you scared. I will never let that happen again and will always protect you like a Momma Bear should. You're number one in my life and always will be. I had to learn the hard way but I hope that you can see from what I went through that you should never put yourselves in a position like that, ever! I love you both more than anything in this world! Thank you for always being my solid rocks and for being my constant reminders that life is good as long as I have you two!! I nub naw!!!
To my Mommy and Diddy....I am sorry for not listening and being so danged hard-headed. I should have listened the first time I was warned. I'm sorry for putting you both through the stress and drama that came of all of that. Thank you for being there, supporting me no matter what and using tough love. I know I've made many mistakes in my life and probably disappointed you many times, but I'm so grateful that you both are always there for me even after making bad decisions. You two are my heroes. I will never forget what you have done for me and how much you have been there for me...you've been there for me more than anyone ever has and I will never let anybody try to make me turn against you, ever!!! Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is and for helping me be the best parent I can be. If I didn't have you two to help me with Sugarfoot and Dooder I'd be so lost...it means the world to me how much you have sacrificed to make things good for all of us....I nub noo both so much!!
To my brother, Quill.....I am sorry for letting manipulation and control get the best of me and come between us. You know you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I love you no matter what...you proved the same to me by sticking by my side, giving me advice and still being there after I put you out. I'm sorry that you didn't get to move in with me, too, I still regret that because it was such a great idea...the sunroom is still open if you want it ;). I am so glad we are closer now than ever and nothing will ever come between us again!!!! I will be here for you and whatever you need, always! We will always have a crimmus party and we will always be the retards that we are and nobody will ever change that, it's who we are dodammy!!! I have the best times with you! I nub noo so much. K bye!
To my darling Kentucky Hopeless....I know I put you through hell for 5 months too. I chose him over you...but you were still there for me and you helped me so much through my tough times. You talked to me about it and never once tried to sway me in my decisions, you were always middle of the road, but you still looked out for me. I'm sorry for ignoring you so many times and not going to Roxboro...because to this day I still feel like a total douche for missing you do "Til The End of The World Rolls Round" for me! Thank you for waiting for me just like you said you would...I know you truly do love me... not just anyone waits around for the one they want to be with and watch them get hurt over and over...you have shown me what true love is and I am so glad I let go of the foolishness. I now know what it means to be unconditionally loved by a real man. Thank you for being so good to me all this time. Thank you for the flowers on Valentine's Day and for the flowers on May 11, 2012...exactly 5 months ago that day that we met at Lil John's Museum when I shot you and the band :) Thank you for driving 9 hours for 3 weekends in a row to see me. Just 20 more days til I see your smiling face again. Let's watch a movie! I nub noo, C.J.
To my Baz and Momma Carol...I put you out in the cold for so long...just like I did with Will... Baz, I'm sorry that I stopped asking you to come over all because he thought you were a bad influence on me...and I'm sorry that I allowed somebody to control my mind, it will never ever happen again. Thank you for being there for me and listening to me cry and whine, when it was my fault that I allowed it to happen. Momma Carol, I am so grateful for what you did for me that night when you took my phone...I'm sorry that I had drug you into the mess, but I know that you have always looked out for me and been there for me no matter what, just like a Momma should. You're a wise woman and I am so glad that I met you! I am sorry that I put you out of my life too.....NEVER AGAIN will I do that to either of you!! Thank you both for being there for me that night...one thing that came of it are those voicemails and crying pictures that we can laugh at now HAHA!!! I love you both so much...you're my BFF's!!!
To all my friends and fellow Bluegrassians....I know I fell off the face of the earth for 5 months and I quit seeing everyone...but by now, I've seen most of you since it's well into festival season and the weather is warmer...I've been back!! I am sorry for having to delete over 400 of you on Facebook because you were all "bad influences"...I'll never let somebody tell me that again. I'll always remember that no matter what, true friends are there in the end and that was proven to me the night that I called on you and you were there....Kwanza, Will, David, Brittany and Dayne. I am so thankful to have so many great friends who are there for me!! My Bluegrass family will never miss out on Tater again!!!
I've told you all this before, but I needed to just record this for my own mental health :)
Afterall, we're all still learning as we go :)
xo-
tater.
